Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
