so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
