wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
