Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
