Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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