is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
