Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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