The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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