I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
