YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
