I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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