I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
