Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
