Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
