Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
