I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
