the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
