ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
