my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
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By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.