You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.