you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
false alarm, still single
Randomize
