i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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