trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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