Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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