i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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