I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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