I am puke
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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