i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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