I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
