if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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