you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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