I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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