i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
