Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
