I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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