I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
