Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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