I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
