would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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