I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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