The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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