and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
