Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
