I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
