ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
