dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
