I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
