Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
