I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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