I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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