she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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