WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
