so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
