I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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