I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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