life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize