U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I will die if light touches me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she smelled like a LAN party
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
