??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
