Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
